Raymond Peter Phillips

“I am trying to remember you and let you go at the same time.” – the mourn

I’ve been a bit MIA the past couple of months but the first Christmas came and went, the first New Year came and went and now here I am. By ‘the first’ I mean the first Christmas and New Year without my Dad, Raymond Peter Phillips. I didn’t know what the hell to name this post so I just named it after him. I don’t know what to even say but I know I need to say something so here we go.

I can’t possibly tell you how I feel through a blog post but I can tell you what I think about when I think of Raymond Peter Phillips. When I think about my Dad I think about how much he loved beer, how much he loved a good swear in the right company (especially mine), how much he loved films like ‘Raging Bull’, ‘Scent of a Woman’, ‘The Godfather’ and anything directed by Alfred Hitchcock. I think about how much he loved music, playing the guitar and piano and watching ‘The Old Grey Whistle Test’, how much he loved going for a drive with my sister Faye singing Stevie Wonder songs. I think about how he was such a respected man, a fair man and how passionate he was for justice and doing the right thing. I think of him as the only man I’ve ever really trusted, someone I knew I could rely on who would have done anything for me. I think about being a little blonde girl with pigtails dancing on his feet.

Unfortunately, I also think about the injustice of his death and so many other people’s deaths caused by cancer. I think about the sad times when he was on his walking stick, using a stairlift, eventually in a hospital bed in our living room. I think about the pain he suffered, the worry he felt, how he slowly lost his mobility and independence, I think about how I saw him cry for the first time in my life. I think about how he won’t meet my children or be at my wedding. I think about how much I would lie in bed at night wishing I could have turned back time and been a little blonde girl with pigtails dancing on his feet again.

I’m not a little blonde girl with pigtails anymore. I am now a sassy, dry, foul-mouthed, 23-year-old redhead and a lot of the little things that defined my Dad define me too. I still look at my phone when it buzzes hoping it’s a text from him, I still see things and think about how much I wish he could see them too and I always wish I could sit on the sofa all day and watch ‘Bottom’ with him. In this particular case, I do not personally believe in the clichés such as ‘time heals everything’ and ‘he’s watching over you’ but I believe wholeheartedly that in a way a person is never really gone if you’re keeping them alive in your mind and in other peoples.
All in all, grief is the most confusing, painful and draining thing you could ever imagine. Six months have gone by and the people who were there the weeks after my Dad’s death are gradually fading out but I will do everything I can to remind people who my Dad was and what he meant to me.

 

Thanks for reading,

How to: Self-love

“Treat yourself the way you would treat a small child.”

 

Self-love is a long, winding road that you never stop traveling down throughout your life and yes, you hit some bumps in that road. To love yourself doesn’t mean you’re narcissistic or cocky, it means that you’ve accepted your flaws and you appreciate every part of you knowing that nobody is perfect, inside and out. It means treating yourself with kindness, patience, care and respect. It means not beating yourself up over things that you can’t control and celebrating tiny victories that you achieve even if it means getting up and showering. It is completely personal and different for everyone and it takes time.

It’s no lie that I’ve been going through a rough patch lately, my mental health has been pretty shitty to say the least and I lost my Dad three weeks ago to cancer, his funeral was Friday. I’ve been feeling pretty much defeated by life, kicked in the ass a bit too hard to come back fighting this time and I haven’t felt great about myself. In my experience, when feeling defeated, sometimes you need to let yourself be defeated for a day, a weekend, a week. Giving yourself time and patience to heal is so important. People may say it’s best to get up and keep going and that’s fine but 1. you may not physically be able to because you’re so depressed and 2. sometimes forcing yourself can do more damage. Getting up and keeping going might work for some people but it just isn’t for me and it may not be for you and that’s fine. Part of self-love is recognising what works for you and telling yourself that yes, you’ve been knocked down but you are dealing with a lot and doing the best you can and that’s so fucking commendable.

When you’re going through a rough patch like this, you do whatever you want or need to do to survive. Don’t burn yourself out because no matter who you are everyone has their limits. I know from experience that burning yourself out by overworking or trying too hard to do the things that you just can’t deal with can cause so much more damage in the long run which is so hard to bounce back from. You wouldn’t force a small child to bounce back when they’ve had a really bad time. You’d run them a bath, get them warm pajamas and read them a book so run yourself a bath, get them pj’s on and read your favourite book! It’s that simple but you have to install it into your brain.

 

“Try to love yourself as much as you want someone else to.”

 

My favourite ways to self-love:

• Every week I write down three things about myself that I like. Sometimes I write them down mentally, sometimes in a notebook which is better because you get to read back through all your good bits and bask in your greatness. I have so many things I dislike about myself but I pay zero attention to them and I focus on the things that I’m happy with. It can be physical parts of you, personality traits or even random things e.g. 1. I like my lips 2. I like my sense of humour 3. I like how I do my eyeliner. The more you write your positive parts down, the more you’ll notice them in yourself and the easier it will get to let go of the negativity and focus on those things that make you a sexy motherfucker (it’s true) and maybe you’ll start seeing them daily instead of weekly.

 

• Self-care is something I wrote about in one of my first blog posts and it is something that is extremely important to me. Loving yourself means you care for yourself. This can mean eating healthily, shoveling down a pizza that you’ve been craving, treating yourself to something you’ve wanted for ages or just taking more naps. I can’t stress enough how caring for yourself on the outside can do wonders on the inside, it shows you that you’re worth being cared for and being loved and seeing as I’m a single cat/bun lady I have no one to do it for me so I love myself!

 

• Be patient with yourself. Loving yourself takes time, I went through years of breaking myself down and not liking myself but I was my own worst enemy and I still am sometimes, you aren’t going to love yourself every day and that is fine too. Life isn’t all rainbows and butterflies, trust me and nobody in the world is perfect. We’re all only human so do your best and remember that you’re worthy of love whether you think so or not and if you’re going to take anything from my crazy ramblings then take that and plant it inside, let it grow flowers and let yourself bloom.

 

• Finally, don’t let the bastards get you down. It doesn’t matter if people don’t like you or love you, I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea but I don’t lose a wink of sleep over it and you shouldn’t either. What I’m trying to say is that someone not liking or loving you does not change the fact that you deserve to love yourself. My honest advice is to never bend for anyone whether you think it will get you that job. keep you that partner or maintain that friendship. Never compromise who you are, let that shit go. Be you, only then can you truly learn to love yourself.

So now it’s your turn. Tell me three things you love about yourself
no matter how hard you may find it, I challenge you.

 

Thanks for reading,

When depression kills creativity

“To live a creative life we must lose the fear of being wrong.”
– Joseph Chilton Pearce

Depression isn’t a mood. It’s a mental illness that comes with a number of crippling factors that are different for everyone. Speaking from my experience, I’ve had depression for numerous years now and I have episodes some days that are worse than others. The main factors of my depression are the lack of motivation to get up in the morning, wanting to be left alone but equally feeling desperately lonely and my most frustrating factor is my lack of creativity.
One of my biggest hobbies is embroidery. I love making ‘hoops’ to hang on walls, I love embroidering on clothes, I love making custom orders for people, I just love making things that are beautiful and sometimes with a funny twist (a.k.a. my favourite word, fuck). I have an Etsy store online which unfortunately I have completely neglected lately for a number of different reasons but mainly because I’m just too damn depressed to make anything. I do have some custom orders on the go but my favourite pieces are usually the ones that come straight from my imagination like these below.

 

 

I’m going to try really hard even though I have no fucking energy to try hard (doubled my sedatives at night time) to come up with a list of a few ways to get inspired when you’re uninspired. This list will be suitable for people who suffer from depression or for people who are just lacking that creative buzz.

How to get inspired when you’re feeling uninspired or stressed

• Go for a walk
  I love a good walk when I’m feeling uninspired. It helps to clear my head and work off any negative energy and if you go for a walk somewhere unfamiliar, you get to see new things that you may not see every day so turn off your phone and take a walk in the woods, around a garden center or even a stroll around your neighbourhood. This can help to clear your head of negative thoughts and let you take in your surroundings. The rules are no technology (apart from for music), take long deep breaths of fresh air and be mindful by taking all of your surroundings in and appreciating the beauty in the little things. Tip: take a notebook with you and write down everything you see that inspires you e.g. flowers, a person’s outfit or even how the sky looks.

The woods by my house, one of my favourite places to walk because I love all the greenery and nature.

 

• Take some time to have a good scroll through Pinterest
  I love this website! Basically, it’s a huge rabbit hole on the internet that you fall down and discover a fuck load of recipes, inspirational quotes, DIY ideas, you name it, it’s on there. Make an account for free and you can build your own ‘boards’ (a bit like a digital version of a mood board) that you can categorize and fill with all things that are inspirational to you. When you’ve had an account for a while it’s great to go back through your boards to see what you put in them previously and maybe it will help you relight that spark of inspiration. It’s great for general stress too! I always turn to Pinterest when I’m having a bad episode of depression to look through all the pictures of animals that I send to my Mum who is also a Pinterest lover. NO I’M NOT SPONSORED, I’M NOT FAMOUS ENOUGH YET so take my effin’ word, Pinterest is the shit.
  My Pinterest

 

• Take a break and don’t try too hard
  You’re going through a tough time, your mental health is bollocks and you have absolutely no ability to be creative. Forcing yourself to try to come up with ideas until you’re exhausted and have a headache will not help to spark any form of creativity, in fact it will do quite the opposite. If you’re struggling to focus on creating something then get away from the space you’re in, even if it’s to another room, have a cup of tea or your drink of choice (vodka if you need it, no judgment here) and just take some time for yourself to relax. Take a bath, take a nap, go for a run (haha no), anything that will give your brain the rest it needs. Eventually, creativity and that amazing feeling of inspiration will find you so don’t look too hard for it.

 

Tell me your favourite ways to get inspired,
remember to take time for yourself
and if all else fails to write a damn good list.

 

Thanks for reading,

A really bad night and how I overcame it

"Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy."
– Anne Frank

 

If you've read my last two posts you have probably gathered that my mental health is, for lack of a better term, shit and although in my blog posts I try and keep a light heart and I try to be humorous, sometimes I honestly just can't and I want to be real with you and with myself. I can just about function on medication (I still suffer anxiety attacks and bouts of depression that are just dulled slightly) but without medication I would crumble. To cut a very long, depressing story short I'm in the process of transitioning to a new medication that will stabilise my mood and help me sleep at night as my last medication ended up doing more damage than good and I'm having a fucking hard time with it all.
Two weeks ago I lost my father to cancer, he was 51 years old. He was ill for a very long time and in the early afternoon of Thursday 27th of July he passed away. I won't talk about this much because it's a whole other story that I'm nowhere near ready to even think about delving into, if ever, but with that and the sudden change in medication I'm getting really bad side effects and the cruelest and most violent nightmares that I wake up from feeling completely sick to my stomach and feeling scared of going to sleep at night.
Sometimes I don't take my night medication until the early hours of the morning in fear that if I sleep too long I'll be haunted by more of these horrific things. I won't go into what the nightmares entail because I feel like they are too dark for this corner of the internet and if I'm honest reliving them would be unbearable. That's just a fraction of how I'm feeling and what my mind is going through as of late so here are a couple of things I try and do to improve my mood if I feel up to them.

• A cup of tea, healthy breakfast and a lie inIf these bad nights occur on the weekends I make sure I give myself a lie in, stay in my pajamas and make a decent breakfast or brunch depending on what time I decide to emerge from my bed. I don't eat meat so I don't have the typical bacon sandwich although if that makes you feel better then you do you! I usually have porridge and some fruit or I make 'healthy pancakes' with maple syrup and I always have a cup of tea (death before decaf) and I'll either read whatever book I'm currently into or a watch an interesting documentary whilst checking my social media accounts. I find that doing this brings me back in touch with reality and keeps my mind occupied so I don't start falling down the dark whole of analysing my mind and getting in a paranoid, anxious state which then leads to panic attacks or can on a really bad day lead to self-harm.Healthy banana pancakes recipeIngredients:1 whole banana230g oats120ml milk (substitute this for almond or soy milk for vegan pancakes!)1 tbsp peanut butter (optional)Strawberries and maple syrup (or your own topping of choice)Method:Put all your ingredients into a blender and blend until smooth, pour small amounts into a pan with some cooking spray or oil and fry until brown. I like to cover my pancakes in fresh strawberries and maple syrup but you could add whatever you fancy! Enjoy.
• If you have the option, cuddle and play with your petsStudies show that playing with your animals can reduce your stress levels and anxiety and who doesn't want to spend time with animals? Animals are so pure, innocent and so damn cute that I feel a lot (not all) of my worries melt away when I'm cuddling them, playing with them or feeding them. I have two rabbits, Clementine and Pearl and a cat, Parsley, and sometimes on my worst days when I just haven't managed to get out of bed and I'm in a massive state, my cat will come and lie down and put his head on me and (call me a crazy, single animal lady – I am) it really feels like he understands how I'm feeling or wants to help. There's something so therapeutic about these silent creatures. Spending time with fur babies will definitely improve your mood and if you don't like animals then what the fuck are you doing on my blog?

 

Let me know if you tried the healthy pancakes recipe and also what you do after a bad night to improve your mood!

 

Thanks for reading,

 

How to: Self-care

“You gotta nourish to flourish.”

 

Self-care to me means taking the time to treat yourself kindly, be patient with yourself and give yourself time to just focus on you. It’s not bad to just focus on yourself once in a while, if we don’t take care of ourselves then we won’t have the inner strength to deal with our current situations whether it may be a mental illness, grief or just general stress. I’ve learned the hard way, being someone who is very hard on themselves, who bottles in all their emotions and who keeps going until they completely burn out and no matter how tough you may think you are, you will eventually burn out.

I’ll let you in on something very private. I suffer from depression and a severe anxiety disorder and the only way I can function is by taking medication to control the chemicals in my brain that cause these disorders. After finally saying ‘I can’t do this anymore’ after endless changes in medication, self-harming and unbearable anxiety attacks that caused me physical pain I was referred to a psychiatrist and a social worker and spent 2 hours telling them about everything that was going on in my head (it was a lot, poor fuckers). I remember the psychiatrist saying to me “the mind is like a glass jar that you just keep filling up, cramming your thoughts into and never letting anything out. One day the lid will blow off that jar and it will all shatter” and that leads me to my first point on my list (I love lists) of how to practice self-care which is…

How to practice self-care:

• Write everything you are feeling down in a private notebookI could honestly scream when I think of the amount of people who have told me that I need to talk to someone or I ‘won’t get better’, especially those people who don’t know me at all. Naturally, I am not a talker and so I’m not going to do it, the end. If you are a talker then please talk to someone, a friend, a family member or a GP of course. We’re all different.What I am is a writer (I enjoy it, I’m not a professional as you can probably tell) and when I feel completely overcome with panic, depression or whatever the fuck else I’m feeling I scribble all my thoughts down even if it’s just keywords. I find that this gives a less destructive but very similar release to self-harm and I feel relieved afterward like I’m emptying that glass jar of thoughts out into a book and I can make a fresh start with a new jar (or the same one, recycling is good). Once you have written down all your thoughts in the book and the book is full of negative feelings you should throw it away, burn it with fire (safely and outdoors) or just rip it up aggressively whilst pretending it’s an ex-boyfriend’s face. You’re welcome.

 

•  Have a nice, candle lit bubble bath and a read or listen to an audiobookThis is a foolproof way of feeling better no matter how bad you feel. There is something so therapeutic about emerging yourself in hot water and bubbles, shutting your eyes and listening to the pure and natural sounds of the water. Every single time I’m feeling bad I light some scented candles, turn all the lights off and get in the bath.With depression, I find that my concentration and interest levels tend to dip dramatically so I like to listen to an audiobook on ‘Audible‘ in the bath (no I am not sponsored and no it is not free but I think the small fee a month is worth it for myself). That way I can shut my eyes and concentrate on the voice that’s reading, it’s almost like an adult bedtime story. I feel my most relaxed when I read or listen to a book because it takes me out of my current situation and provides an escape into someone else’s world or even a fictional land for a while and I feel all my thoughts slowly melt into the hot water and then down the drain.

 

•  Pamper yourself and watch something upbeat and happySo you’re out of the bath, you successfully stayed awake and didn’t drown after being oh so relaxed and now you need a pamper. I always make sure I take a night every week to properly pamper myself. I put a face mask on, moisturise, make my favourite hot drink (tea, strong, no sugar because I’m a basic bitch) and binge watch my favourite TV shows or put on a lighthearted, feel good film. My favourite films to watch when I’m feeling low are ‘Labyrinth’, ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’, ‘Back to the Future’ and you should never underestimate a good old ‘Harry Potter’ marathon! (If you don’t like Harry Potter please vacate my blog immediately). My favourite TV show to watch when I’m feeling shitty is hands down (the U.S) ‘The Office’ because I relate to Dwight on so many levels and it never fails to make me laugh. Doing this once a week will make you feel like you deserve being treated this way and trust me, you do.

Those were just a few of my favourite ways of practicing self-care but there are so many other ways that you can look after yourself every single day. If I treat myself the way I would treat 5 year old me or an animal (animals > humans) then I know I won’t go far wrong and it has an extremely considerable impact on your mental health. Please remember that this list is written around me personally and that self-care can be different for everyone so please find your own way to look after yourself.

Don’t be hard on yourself.
Don’t apologise for how you feel.
Be kind to yourself.
Be fucking selfish.

 

Thanks for reading,